thank God it's finally friday. even with a day off — this has been the longest week because it's been so fucking slow around here.

i go to see dr. therapist tonight. it's been awhile. i'm ready-- i'm feeling muddy and unfocused.

it's so weird that one of the most personal and intimate relationships i have right now is with a man --granted he is my therapist... it's just odd to me. i'm not used to having men in my life. i only really have 1 friend that is a guy. then there's my dad and my brother... that's pretty much it, aside from coworkers.

i dunno... maybe it's good that i'm seeing a male therapist... if it was a woman-- i'd probably be too worried about what she thought of me or this or that... with dr. therapist, our only connection is a result of my issues. no worries. less intimidation?

hmmmm...

anyway, i'm ready to go. hopefully i can get refocused and establish some sort of a game plan for myself... i really need a plan.

woo hoo. 'bout damn time! get to leave at 3:00!!!

ok, the last two days here at work have been absolutely TORTUROUS!!

i though it was bad LAST week when there were only 7 of us here-- well, yesterday there were only FOUR!!! .... four people... today there's five.

they need to let us GO HOME.

there's no work. there are no people-- well, except for me and those 3-4 other bored, tortured souls...

why am i HERE???

i always wish for days like this-- kinda slow, not a whole lot going on-- until i actually have to sit through NINE HOURS of NOTHING... thank God for the internet... at least it's given me a chance to do a couple of HTML tutorials-- and that could actually benefit my career... so i guess, technically, i could code the time that i spent here at work tinkering with my blog template as "training" -- what d'ya think?!?!

hmmm... maybe not.

i am now, officially, "surfed-out"... i think i've seen everything there is to see on the internet and now i'm starting over.

four NINE hour work days in a row with not a DAMN thing to do adds up to a LOT of friggin' internet... wow. i'm bored.

maybe i'll go to lunch now. 11:48.

"How do we contribute to our own sense of loneliness?

Loneliness is a passive state. That is, it is maintained by our passively letting it continue and doing nothing to change it. We hope it will go away, eventually, and we do nothing but let it envelop us. Strangely, there are times when we might even embrace the feeling. Yet, embracing loneliness and sinking down into the feelings associated with it usually leads to a sense of depression and helplessness, which, in turn, leads to an even more passive state and more depression."

ok... so now i'm an official "BLOGGRRL" (rock on) -- everybody has these things ("what kind of _______ are you?", etc.) -- this is my second one to post (whee)

Wow... i'm such a 16 year old girl right now.






You're wind! You are a very kind and sympathetic person. Whoever DOESN'T like you has a mental disorder, because you are a loving and caring gentle soul.




What element are you?

the weekends are SO HARD.

i go from being happy that i'm independant and self-sufficient and content with cleaning my bathroom and grocery shopping on a Friday night to being really PISSY about the fact that my phone never rings and i ANGRY that i'm cleaning my bathroom and grocery shopping on a Friday night...

but then Saturday comes, and I'm happy again to be cleaning and doing whatever other weekend chores that need to be done. but by about 6:00 i'm depressed again... wishing that i had plans... kickin myself, because i KNOW that i COULD have plans-- if i'd just make a phone call or two... but then being all poopy-pants again because "i don't want to have to make the calls"... then my phone rings and i actually have PLANS!!

(HOORAY!!! PLANS!!!)

then while i'm out-- DOING things... participating in my "PLANS"... i get depressed again... and the more i think about it "why am i so DOWN? i have PLANS!! (hooray!! plans!!!... remember??!?!!)" the more i realize how fucked up my life is right now.

Sunday = depressed again... sad to be alone... but at the same time not wanting plans... but still hoping that my phone rings...

it sucks for a happy person to be depressed. i don't know how to DEAL!

i can't function being down. i don't know how to do it... and right now, it seems like that's all i feel...

i'm ready to get past this bull shit and get on with my normal, happy life... whatever that is... i don't even know what that'll mean for me when i get my life back.

i know transition is a good thing. i know this is something i HAVE to go through. but it doesn't make it any easier.

i feel trapped. confused. lost. i need direction. i need inspiration. i feel restless— more so now than ever.

i feel like somehow i'm running out of time— as though i'm racing to find so many answers, and i'm stuck. i don't know which way to turn. i don't know which step to take, what decision to make first, and time is just passing me by — as i stand here, motionless, not knowing which way to turn.

i can't think. i almost don't want to think. i really believe that the constant absorption of television, the media, pop culture, technology — are truly the enemies of individual thought and inspiration. of creation..

it's like a bad habit that is hard to break. and it's just so easy to just lay on the fucking couch and soak in the words and images floating out of the tv rather than getting up and creating my own images or composing my own thoughts and ideas.

you get used to not doing it. you almost forget HOW to do it. and you don't know where to start.

i don't know.

i just hate when i feel like this. i feel the need to do something important or creative or profound and it's like i HAVE to do it or i'll shrivel up and die... and i just... can't.

it's so frustrating. i get up, turn off the tv, turn off the radio... *silence*... waiting for my brain to click on. but there's NOTHING... just that damn, deafening static of non-stop NOISE. no thoughts. no ideas. no grand epiphanies. my brain never clicks on. maybe i've killed it. it's like I forgot to water it or feed it for too long and now it's dead.

that's what i'm afraid of.

i guess this is a start. i just started typing. one word at a time. i think this is helping. i think it's also good that i'm learning HTML a little bit. my brain needs to learn something new. i need to turn off all of this damn NOISE inside my head and start thinking PRODUCTIVE thoughts.

i'm going to try to give my brain a week off of it's drug of choice- the constant, neverending rattle of information. maybe i'm overdosing.

the more i look around this odd community of "blogs" the more i realize how completely and utterly ODD it is that all these HUNDREDS (thousands?) of people-- including myself-- are publishing their JOURNALS online...

diary's used to be so... private--- didn't they?? bought at wal-mart complete with crappy little lock and key and everything-- god FORBID that anybody get ahold of it...

i guess this way we get those thoughts out. we release. we think and rant and piss and moan and be complete MORONS if we want... and nobody REALLY knows who we are anyway-- not unless we want them to-- and we can share a bit of out pain, sorrow, anger, frustrations, fantasy, celebrations, laughter... whatever... with anyody who happens across our little corner of the web.

kinda weird. kinda, i dunno... liberating.

so, as weird as all this seems to me. i like it. i like putting myself out there with the possibility that all these random thoughts will be read by somebody that really, truly has NO idea... but just for one minute...one instant... they'll find a little insight or understanding inside my crazy little life.